If you have read my other article Why Certain Career Doesn't Works, you might understand the meaning behind “The Constant Search”.

For the past 10+ years, I’ve tried many types of interest that might led to possible future career. From the preferred science academic path, literature, social science, to creative path. I’ve tried a little of them, trying to find which do I enjoy the most.

Back then, I didn’t think much about it. I just want to do something that interest me, thinking maybe it will lead into a passion discoveries. And now, 10+ years later, even tho I’m still confused, at least I’ve filtered enough possibilities so I’ve narrowed down the choices of my dream career. And through those trial and error, I start to understand that to find my version of a dream career, a constant search is an unavoidable journey. Especially since I didn’t grow up under a specific career environment, nor I have been guided to explore my interest when I was a child. So my selection pool was very very huge and I really need time to analyze each of these possibilities.

Throughout those constant search period, I found there are many things that can determine whether a career suit me or not. At first I thought it was just interest, since I’m a person who prefer to follow my passion and there is this huge cultural movement about finding passion. But turns out, it’s so much more complicated that I thought, especially with external factor aka society always trying to influence my career journey.

When I’m in my teen, I’ve fallen into society pressure and decided to follow the path my parents (and society) prefer. Once you’ve fallen into these illusion, it wasn’t easy at all to wake up. This is because I’ve take external opinion as something much more important that myself for years, thus my inner voice start to diminish. Even if I tried to follow my interest, each my decision will be haunted with an internal war. And suddenly, each of my step feels like I’m in a battlefield, constantly fighting for myself yet kept being beaten back. It’s really painful.

Motivation video often push us to believe our own passion, or to go for it and it will bring result. I do still believe that, but why have no one ever said that this journey will be very very painful? Very confusing, very uncomfortable, very triggering?

Because it feels like everyone seems to have their life figured out, but when I follow similar path, it just doesn’t work? And suddenly I was faced with the possibility that I’m less compared to others, because I can’t do what they did.

Or maybe there are times when my own voices win, and I tried to pursue my path. But no path can achieve success overnight, and coupled with the pressure of being “different”, the loneliness and doubt can truly kill you. Time to time, you start to doubt the voices again and ended up giving up.

And even when my own voices keep winning many times, to figure out the path that belongs to me, it required a lot of trials and error. Thus I have to go through numerous cycles of insecurity, loneliness, doubt, and confusion.

The struggle is truly unimaginable. Someone should have said that too.

Now, let’s say that I’ve determined to chase my own path. I’ve taken care of a bit of my mindset, trying to believe myself as best as I can. But again, why don’t anyone tell me that there’s still many challenges ahead? That I still have to analyze all my trials and error until I found the right path? While still struggling inside?

I have a belief that everyone is born differently and function differently. It’s not just a different talent or passion, but also a whole different way of working. This is not just some random belief I adopt, but it’s something I personally experience. And since there’s difference, that means I have to understand and navigate those difference so it will reach maximum potential. Unfortunately, extreme voices exist in society. Where some characteristic is often glorified, while others belittled. Difference now start to be seen as “abnormality”, where it should have been a beautiful equal “variety”.

I have a body who works in kinda extreme cycle. When focused, I’m capable on working intensely for 5-8 hours non stop. And what I mean “intense” is really intense, like finishing a complete 14 page of a journal article in one day. These include the task of,

When I’m at this mode, I’m not easily distracted. But once I do get disturbed, it’s hard to continue the work. Plus after finishing those intense work, I basically need 2-3 days of break. This kind of working system are more like a cycle, and it kinda clashed with the working habit the society often prefer. Where 8 hours of work for 5-6 days is the standard often seen as a “good stable job”. These difference force me to figure out my different working habit by myself, and I have to navigate this difference to fit better with the “normal standard” in order to make things work. If it’s not possible, I have to eliminate said option as a possible future career since bad consequences happens if I force myself to follow the “normal standard”. These type of navigation needs time to figure out and countless mistake and analysis.

Another personal struggle I had because of working hours standard is, my interest on something also worked in cycle (haha). I can get interested in one specific things and spend my time focusing in those for 3 months, and ended up switching to a whole different thing after that for another 3 months. And the cycle kept repeating. Honestly, even until now I still find it difficult to navigate, esp since several of my interest can be very different. This is also the reason why I have two project under me, Art Riena Lynn (my creative side) and this Journariena (my thinker side). It’s because I know that even tho I’m absolutely interested and focused on my Journariena right now, several months later, there’s a high chance I will switch focus. It’s just hard to create a system around two different things when we live in society who loves focused and consistent work.

“A brand with specific focus”

Back then I tried to keep fitting myself into one specific career for long term period, but none of them managed to stick without a few month of break between. Forcing myself to stick with it just ended me being burned out. It's really frustrating because I feel like everything just doesn't work. Consistency are very normalized that I never thought of having two different project at the same time because it’s considered as “weird”. So I need 10+ years to found these solution of having two project worked in cycle. But even until now, I’m still confused on how to manage this or whether things could work.

Personal interest is I think the hardest subtle factor to find out because it’s often very subtle, or it needs a lot of time to figure out. And I guess that’s why in formal education, we are needed to learn general topic first before choosing a specific specialty. In art, the kind of struggle involved is like trying to find out which tools I like the most? Paper? Canvas? Digital? What kind of style I prefer? Anime? Semi Realist? Realist? I have to pick and choose, finding which one feels right and understand the whys. In literature, there’s countless language option to choose to learn. Or in writing, there’s so many genre or type of writing to choose and see which one I do enjoy.

The difficulties on figuring personal interest is connecting what the heart feel with the mind, to find out why specific things actually feels right while others don’t. It’s to see whether an unwillingness of doing something is because of incompatibility, or is it just a moment of tiredness? Or do I like something just because it’s the thing I want, or is there something deeper I would like to achieve by doing those things? Because if someone wants to help, there’s numerous ways to help others. Which help feel the most easiest based on my condition, and bring the most fulfillment based on my concern?

But thankfully, personal interest is something that’s much more acceptable to the society. Pursuing passion is an acknowledged path, so the idea of it is not really repelled by society. But unfortunately, the act of pursuing passion is often coated with a dreamy narrow narrative. Children are expected to “know” what their dream career are by looking at other people. They are taught to “dream” a specific heroic job without knowing whether such a career goal is truly something that suited them or not. And as we grow up, we were taught to pursue such a dream endlessly to show perseverance, never doubting whether the dream is true or not. At the same times, others who do not have such dream are seen as a wandering or clueless person, so much so that people start to see this “state of confusion” as something “faulty”. But the state of confusion is a actually the normal state, it’s not something shameful. Only by getting confused and experiencing trial and error would one understand something.

I think there’s a confusion about the concept of a dream career. For me, a dream career means a career that suits my natural path, but other might think a dream career is a career they admired and want to pursue. Those are different types of goal, but why is both of them called a dream career? Shouldn’t it be two different concept; *a fulfilling career and a career goal (or something like that)? Just like how we differentiate passion with talent.

Note : Those are my own personal terms so it might not be right

Now you’d probably wonder, why would fixing a label matter? What’s the use?

Well based on my case, it’s very very important. Separating a label allow me to understand that two things are different. Just like how talent can be different from passion, each has it’s own “rules”. Something is called a talent if it’s natural, while passion is something that can stimulate a strong excitement. I can have a talent but not passionate about it, and at the same time I can be passionate about something but not talented on it.

I will also know that a talent are something that seen as natural, thus it’s easier to understand. While passion might need more hard work to pursue compared to talent. If I don’t like something, no amount of hard work can make me feel passionate. And while excitement can force me to work hard for my passion, it’s inevitable that I had to work harder to defeat the talented people.

This is something I just recently understood and it kinda blows my mind so I decided to write this text. I found that a fulfilling career and a career goal are two different things, thus they have two different system of pursuing.

I mean, not everyone going to agree to what I've said prior this explanation right? Because my version of dream career is a fulfilling career, and it's based on both my talent and passion. While others, might prefer a career goal with it's different way of pursuing.

A fulfilling career is the one that I’m the most familiar because I’m the type of person who longs to find a career that suits me the most. I’ve spent years doing experimentation, and this is some characteristic that I put under the label of “a fulfilling career”. It’s my personal thought so it won’t be the same with others, but it might be a bit familiar.

Since I chase a fulfilling career, a career goal is something I’m not familiar with, or maybe just a little familiar. This is because I do have a career goal when I’m in childhood, and I grow up where many of my friend have specific career goal. This is what I discover from them (please correct me if I’m wrong),

The important discoveries I found after understanding this difference is, how those two might shape a different perspective, but because the two concept is often used incorrectly, the different perspective might cause misunderstanding. Let me show an example so it won’t be too confusing.

First is about the act of changing focus. For a fulfilling career, it should be something normal, as we have to figured out about our career. But for a goal chaser, changing career can be something “bad”, because the main point is the goal itself. The other way around, focusing on a specific goal is a very ideal state for a goal chaser, but for one who chase a fulfilling career, if it isn’t the right one, one can feel like getting stuck.

Another example is, when facing an obstacles that is hard to solve. For someone who chase a fulfilling career, those obstacle can be interpreted as incompatibility, especially if I do get stuck all the time facing the same thing. Someone like me follows nature, and nature don’t get stuck all the time. But for a goal chaser, an obstacles is an opportunity to grow to get closer with their goal. It’s natural to face obstacle because they follow a specific goal that might not come as natural for them, and it doesn’t matter.

These kind of different perspective can be a trap if it’s not clearly understood. I’ve personally felt it myself because I often regarded myself as undisciplined or lazy because I like to change my focus once I face a hard obstacle. Not knowing it was normal because my goal is discovering a career that feels at least 80% natural for me. And maybe, other people who pursue a goal often mix these two difference. They want something natural but they already have a career goal, so they got trapped in guilt and confusion.

Each path also have it’s own suffering, and if we understand the difference, we can choose what we able to handle. Things are less confusing and painful if it’s something we consciously choose.

After reading everything above, I hope my type of people (who longs for a fulfilling career) understand the importance of following our natural self. Whether it’s on working habit, preference, system, etc. What we did is not selfishness at all, it’s actually our way to figure out our dream career.

Every time there’s a need to change focus, it doesn’t mean that we are undisciplined or inconsistent, we may just faced some incompatibility that we need to figure out. Curiosity and changing to other things doesn’t mean betrayal. So believe your own feeling, or listen when doubt start to arise. Your body sometimes knows you better.

So all the conclusions above are something I realized after reflecting all my experiences in finding my dream career. And to understand that, I have to know why certain path feels natural and why others doesn’t work. I won’t just “feel” right, but I will know why and what does suit me. Thus I have to understand myself better so I can filter many choices consciously and appropriately.

Only by knowing myself better do I understand what kind of natural working habit I have, so I can choose career that can accommodate that. I also need to understand my interest, talent, system, and so much more so I can find a specific career that I enjoy because I did it in a way that naturally feels right to me.

After understanding myself, I need to analyze every experience or choices I’ve made to figure out my dream career. I don’t just reflect on my recent interest, but look back far into my childhood, because often what we like before society interfere are something that we wholeheartedly love for. So it’s actually easier to look back to childhood interest.

I did write the complete analysis on my other article, Why Certain Career Doesn't Works. And just like the title, it’s unravel my personal in depth reflection on why certain career does work, and why others doesn’t. You can check it if you need it!

Again, I don’t know if this text will help. I definitely appreciate it if you leave any feedback. But if there’s anything you want to point out or discuss, feel free send your feedback because I certainly have limited perspective and experience. You can send it to my email [email protected], or if you prefer sending it anonymously, you can send message to my Padlet here.

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See you on the next articles!

With Love,
Riena Lynn.