I know that everyone circumstances are different, esp financially, so this definitely won’t apply to everyone. I can only voice from a place I understand/familiar with. So now, I’m writing this as someone who have tasted years of mental illness, from growing up 10+ years under a parent with schizophrenia, and as someone who have faced depression and anxiety myself.

Years ago, I was a very timid, anxious, with high insecurity and anxiety over many things. It made sense as I’ve grown under one parent having schizophrenia, another with unsolved trauma that shuts down to any kind of problem. People need to note that growing up under a person with schizophrenia don’t just expose with with hallucinations or illusions, it’s full of negative paranoia, overthinking, bad emotion management, etc, etc, etc. So I can definitely see why, I once grow up as a person that have all those mixed up together from both of my parents.

But let’s not just focus on that now, I don’t want this text to be so depressed. Here I want to say that, 10+ years after that, I’m finally reborn and decided to live my own life according to my own will. Hoping I can be a full time artist and writer. And if you ask me, why do I choose this path? My answer is simple,

I simply don’t want to be like my parents. Period.

Honestly, that can be the end of my text here. But let me share more a bit of my reflection, because this decision didn’t really come out of blue. It took a very very long process and painful journey.

Yeah, it’s painful. And that’s what I want to talk about.

Change is painful, and if something is painful, it’s very hard to do it, thus it will take a very very long time to progress. It’s not just the process of doing, it’s also the process of realizing and accepting truth once unseen. Because we often are too used on specific method of survival like hiding from problem, shutting down, denials, people pleasing, overthinking, etc. All those walls can’t be broken in one action nor thinking. All these problem are layered, like sheets of paper inside a book, read one by one.

How do I know? Because I’ve been through it. Not just in the past, but also now and in the future.

As I said, change didn’t happen overnight. I also experienced years of confusion and losing my passion. Just like other older generation parents, my parents also glorify society standard of success: good grades, good rank, stable office job or prob doctor. It’s definitely a promising job, but when those standard are forced, it gave stress for the children.

And those happens to me from elementary until senior highschool. Once voice is denied, it will be kept denied on and on. I didn’t listen to my own voice back then, so I start to be more and more timid. It was very very painful, losing my right over my self.

My last string was on 3rd grade senior high school, I remember thinking-

So I decided to rebel, for the first time. Because I’m desperate! I remember I was so so so desperate to the point of writing a letter (which is pretty rare as I don’t really talk to my parents) to both of my parent in school and decided to send it home through pick up service (Gojek haha). I couldn’t feel fear anymore, nor shame. I just sent it without thinking. And those decision changed my life.

I finally got into a college major of my own choice. But of course I didn’t immediately lock into my dream and start chasing. As I said, those take times. Only after 5 years of continuous reflection I finally arrived to this point, being firm on what I want. Those 5 years of reflection are filled with questioning myself of the what and whys. What do I actually want? Why? How will it end? Can I do it?

It’s still full of doubts and insecurity. Even when I’m pursuing my own path, it’s still full of pain and discomfort.

All these journey made me understand that, no matter which path I take, there will always be suffering. No matter which path I take, no one can promise I will fail nor succeed.

Pursuing the path that isn’t mine still have the chance of failure. Life is unpredictable after all. But if it does succeed, it may be fulfilled with external validation and glory, but I know for sure my inside will be suffering. Those self blame of having low score, thinking maybe I’m not smart, to the point of giving up and just accept that I’m born less than everyone. It’s all a real suffering. I even lose myself on those journey.

Pursuing my own path is also suffering, even a more slow one. Again, no one knows whether it will succeed or not, plus being told unfilial, mocked, questioned, all leading into more insecurity and self doubt. It’s also suffering. But through that suffering, I found myself. I found the voice I want to share to others, I found the vision that sparks my joy. I found comfort in myself, not others.

I found my life, even when I know it may fail at the end.

So at the end I made a conclusion,

But again, those realization took times. I also believe that everyone has it’s own timeline. But believe that once you turn on that start button, progress will come, even if slowly.

Through those journey, I of course faced a lot of doubts. So I also want to share some works that helps inspire and enlightened me. Because these works, no matter how much I read it, will always bring me back to my clarity.

There on one of episode in Mark Manson podcast (I forgot which one, sorry), I heard him saying something like this,

It help me understand that if I fail, I still learnt something. I still got something and made a progress. I may fail but I’m still far ahead.

Another one is a song by AURORA called Daydreamer. There is a lyric there that managed to always ground me back to the present.

Those lyric is actually very paradoxical. It reminds me that when I was first born, I have nothing. No vision, no mission, nor happiness and suffering. But through living, I acquire it. Through trying, I do get something. Even tho it’s not what I want, it still shows that there is possibility to get something. So why not try to get want I want? I was once nothing after all.

At the same time, it reminds me again that I was once nothing. Everything I have now, even without my dream, are already a blessing. My health, my tiny successes, my reflections. It’s already something for me who was once nothing. It taught me gratitude.

Such a simple lyric but it reminds me that I’m still alive, I still have the “now”, so I still have chance of starting over something.

Another work I will always remember is a poem called “Anyway” by Kent M. Keith (version Mother Teresa).

“Do it anyway”, those are the words I realize through that poem and hold it tightly until now. No matter what happens, it will happen. I may fail, but I may success. It may not be big, but smaller one still matter. So do it, anyway.

Through those I learn to not just face fear, but befriend it. And what does a friend do? Accept, understand, not diminish nor deny. It’s hard, but it’s possible. That’s why we have to keep learning.

All those words may seems very validating, but at the end I still want to remind that no quick motivation can be a foundation of a long term journey. These includes all those short motivation videos or seminar sessions out there. It can bring a moment of euphoria, but emotion triggered from outside often last shorter. Just like feeling drunk by drugs. It won’t last long. I definitely don’t want to spoil the atmosphere, but I also don’t want others to get trapped with short bursts of emotion only to wake up with no change in life.

Again I will say that change will always create discomfort. The timid have to be brave, the one who hide have to show up, the pains have to be faced. But of course you can do it slowly, softly. Because you are worth to be treated carefully, as we all know none of these struggles are our choice.

Once you decided to change, the result won’t be immediate. You will feel scared, misunderstood, doubtful. But it will always show something and given back to you. Maybe not your whole life mission, but little forgiveness for your traumas and imperfection. That every progress is worth a fight for, as it’s for yourself. Good luck ♡

Again, I don’t know if this text will help. I definitely appreciate it if you leave any feedback. But if there’s anything you want to point out or discuss, feel free send your feedback because I certainly have limited perspective and experience. You can send it to my email [email protected], or if you prefer sending it anonymously, you can send message to my Padlet here.

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Thumbnail are drawn by me, art inspired by AURORA’s Daydreamer.

See you on the next articles!

With Love,
Riena Lynn.