Have you ever find yourself fighting againts your inner voice?

Laying on your bed scrolling and you got bombarded with numerous advices, that somehow feel make sense but at the same time you find yourself hard to agree?

But everyone seems to support those advice. There are thousands of likes comments and share screaming approval, and you suddenly feel like the most stupidest person existed because you just can’t understand?

Even if deep down you know your voice matter and wanted to argue, somehow you can’t seem to conjure a clear reason to defend your voice. Why?

Several years ago, I’ve experienced such inner struggle. I found it hard to believe that I’m always wrong but it just doesn’t make sense to point the majority as a faulty opinion. So I start to feel frustratedly confused, who is right and who is wrong? Whose voice should I follow?

Years later, I finally understand that none of us is the right one for everyone. Because everyone circumstance is different, and even the wisest advice can’t apply to every situation. That means I have to choose. But why is it hard for me to choose which advice can lead to a better life? My version life?

After several years of reflection, I finally found that I have no awareness of my self. I don’t know what I believe, I don’t understand what I feel and what I think about many thing. I realized that many principles that I have are absorbed from society. It’s never entirely mine.

Growing up taught to believe those illusion, I buried most of my feeling and thoughts for years. To the point of forgetting that I’ve ever had one before.

When I reflect on those question, I found myself feeling very complicated. Because those question start to appear only when I faced the lowest moment in my life. Where everything suddenly went wrong and the safe wall I build immediately crumble. Including the bricks I built from society’s opinion.

Maybe it was those question that allowed me to see that what I previously thought as the perfect life, turns out its never the one for me. And it make sense, because if it’s something that belongs to me, I should be thriving in it.

But nothing is what I have.

One thing I will always feel grateful for myself is, how much I spend my childhood in watching anime and reading fiction with a positive main character. The ones who never gave up for their dreams.

Those exposure must be the one that kept me believing in myself for years. That I’m not a useless person, and I’m meant to achieve something in this world. That voices are the one who kept fighting againts my insecurity. Even if they have lost too many times and often forgotten, they refused to gave up. When they have the chance, they resurface.

But having two strong opposing voices at the same time also bring suffering. Years ago when nothing feels wrong, my voice only appear occasionally. Their presence are weak, so they don’t have much power to influence me. They kept losing.

But once things fall apart and I start to doubt everything, they began to resurface. Building their strength slowly until they become as strong as the other. Then they start fighting for a win. It’s just like a war, but it’s inside my head. And boy do it feel painful as hell.

Once the constant war start, something is bound to lose or win. I spent several years in this period, experiencing multiple wins and lose from both sides. And thank God at the end, I won. I think it’s because what belongs to me feel better on me. Letting the other voices win only bring guilt and more doubt, while letting my voice wins bring satisfaction and peace.

Several years of inner war, I start to figure out my own self. What am I thinking, why? What do I feel, what’s the reason? What is important to me?

Those years of argument also taught me how to be critical over something. Back then, I’ve been a good timid girl so I never argued anyone. Critical is a skill I didn’t have the chance to build. And the more I do inner debate, the more I learn to be critical. I start to be able to dissect layered issues. It’s no longer for a win, but to figure out the issues itself. To see which point of view is valid, and which one doesn’t align with me.

I also found my problem solving skill has improved a lot. Back then, my head can only go blank and I panicked when I faced problem. Right now, I start to see the layers of the problem and can deduct the possible solution. Life feels easier when I start to see not every problem is a dead end. I start to believe there's always solution on many things. Even if it's hard, I can try to solve it slowly. I start to believe myself more.

In those period of time, I know that I’ve been very judging. Maybe because I finally have my own opinion and know how to defend it so I want others to acknowledge my voice too. And that’s okay, it’s part of the process.

I also noticed that I like to argue more at that time, I also got triggered easily. I feel like I need a proof to strengthen my voice so I’m looking for a stage. I need external validation. It must be very difficult for the people closest to me, I’m so thankful for their understanding.

Maybe, it was a late rebellious period?

As time passed by, I start to slowly calm down. I start to find a way to be more “fair”. Even if it’s impossible, but I want to find a balance when I can tolerate difference yet validate my own personal opinion too.

I start to build my rules for boundary. I start to find my way to love myself.

After I managed to heal better from my trauma, experience self development, I realized that I still keep moving forward. I start to reflect more aspect about life like communication, human relationship, career, financial situation, etc. I somehow want to figure out about everything now. Trying to find the life I feel the most aligned with me, in every aspect of it.

There are a lot of trials and error, but through that I realized that there’s truly something that belongs to me. My own way of communication, my way to see relationship, my dream career, my way to manage my money. It’s not all figured out yet, and I don’t think I will. Life is a forever journey. But now each step I take, it’s bringing me the most fulfilling experience I’ve never had in my life.

When I figured out that's it's possible to find my own way of living, that there's nothing wrong with me, I just haven't find the life that works for me, I became so much more confident with myself. I feel like I'm finally able to exist in this world as my own self and face the world honestly.

I overthink less as I believe solution exist, and change is not a sin as long as it's for a better me. I forgive myself better as I figured out mistake is just normal, apologize and change. I start treat myself better as I believe I deserve such a good care. Even if I still got triggered many times, which is normal, I believe that I will keep growing.

Life suddenly opens up. I was struggling to connect to my God back then, now I'm grateful over many things. Of course dissapointment and sadness still happen, but I found my pivot to come back. I start to see life as an endless knowledge and possibility, I start to become curious. Learning become a fun thing, not a pressure. Life become an experience, not just a motion I'm forced to follow. I still have goals, but I'm forgave myself for changes. And I believe in God that He will show me the best way. Not just for me, but also the best version of myself to everyone else.

And that's the fulfilling life I want to have.

Again, I don’t know if this text will help. I definitely appreciate it if you leave any feedback. But if there’s anything you want to point out or discuss, feel free send your feedback because I certainly have limited perspective and experience. You can send it to my email [email protected], or if you prefer sending it anonymously, you can send message to my Padlet here.

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With Love,
Riena Lynn.