Two days ago, I watched a podcast by Mel Robbins with Dr. Todd Rose. It was just a random click, meant to accompany my morning and breakfast since I want a little relaxation after days grinding my content. Never did I expect I’m going to learn something so profound that it blows my mind. Honestly, (I’m sorry, Ma’am) the video title didn’t do the content justice. Not that I know what kind of title should be put instead, content is just that complicated. Oh, don’t forget that I do click the video too, showing that the title DOES work. But, I still thought it doesn’t really represent how crazy the studies shared by Dr. Todd Rose is.

Now, I got distracted. So yeah, I finished watching those video in two days (life situation happens yuhu). It’s my first time hearing about such research btw, so my understanding is still very shallow. But instinctively, I think my brain understand that the research result is very profound so it keep thinking about it all the time. Resulting in many self reflection just in the past 3 days (including today).

This kind of state, reminds me of what happening a few months ago, where I watched another episode of Mel Robbins podcast, but the guest was Dr. Stuart Ablon. And those, was one of the most craziest podcast I’d ever listened too because it literally rewired my brain, I CAN feel it. I immediately went through countless tug of war with myself, it was a crazy breakthrough.

For me, those two podcast episode are my most favorite podcast ever. It’s the episode that successfully flip my perspective over human behavior, giving me the chance to learn how to be more humble and kinder whether to myself or other people. So I just want to write and share about it, for myself and for those who may stumbled upon this text.

Note tho, I’ve just had the chance to watch their podcast, haven’t got the time to read their book. It’s very unfortunate honestly, as I know the knowledge shared in the podcast must be just the tip of an iceberg. But I can’t really shake this crazy feeling of admiration and wonder. I want to write about it. Period. So here I’m, finally typing after months of focusing on something else haha.

Again, disclaimer, this text will include many of my personal reflection. It doesn’t represent the real research result shared by Dr. Todd Rose nor Dr. Stuart Ablon. It’s just my musings, deeply effected by my own experience in life.

Simply, the concept talk about “People do well if they can”. So if they can’t, it means there’s something hindering them to do that thing.

The example is, a child who studied poorly. People keep motivating her, telling her she can do it. The child did work harder then, but what’s the end? She still did it poorly. Everyone think that the child just doesn’t want to do well, but in reality, who of us want to be labeled as stupid? The child did work harder, but reality shows that it’s not enough. Because at the end of the day, the issue is not in the will, it’s the skill.

The child just happen to have lack of skill in, lets say : focus, analytical skill, or others. There’s actually categories of that, but I prefer to talk about real example and less theoretical. Well, I also forgot too haha.

So yeah, no matter how much motivation the child have, or the parents and teacher gave, if the child have no skill for it, things are hard to change. The child need to learn the skill.

That’s the rough concept.

Now, I’m not an expert at all. I have a very limited knowledge actually in psychology. I graduated from communication science after all lol. But, I do observe my own self and people around me. And often time, I can spot those pattern too.

At first, before knowing about this concept, I feel like people just don’t want to do things. Like, my dad just don’t want to communicate or keep procrastinating when problem happens, he just like to keep things by himself or shut down when problem arise. It frustrated me a lot, making me feel resentment. After I understand about this concept, I went through a crazy weeks of denials. I mean, I do suffer from my dad behavior. That’s absolutely valid, and real. I won’t deny that. But then, I slowly see that, it may not because my dad doesn’t want to communicate or don’t want to solve the problem. It may be because he just can’t do it. Maybe communication is just HARD, for him. Just like how I find it difficult to talk to him. Solving problem IS HARD, just like how I lean into him when problem arise. I mean, if it’s easy, I’ll just solve it myself isn’t it? (Other factor exist too, but, that’s just a simple example).

So, is it truly about skill then?

After understanding deeper about this concept, I start to see things differently. But theory is just theory, nothing will change if it’s not applied. So I start applying things.

My first attempt in finding solution about my dad situation is doing what everyone did, just telling how to communicate. I remember saying something to my dad about “What do you think? Just talk about it” when I ask about his opinion.

There you have it, me falling on the same trap thinking it’s a will. Even after understanding that it’s not actually will, but skill.

It happens several times before I catch myself on it. Indeed, change take times.

Knowing that I just use the wrong strategy, I started to find another way to change the situation. I don’t know how I came up with this idea, but I somehow thought “Well, I’ll just be the example then.”

So after that, I start to communicate more openly, whether it’s about my opinion of something or how to solve some problem.

“Just put out the long beans” When my dad protested because I bought a vegetable soup with beans in it (He did say it tho, I just forgot to tell the seller lol).

“Can we use the drinking water pump? To clean up the water puddle?” Yes, it’s not hygienic! I know! But my dad was scooping the water puddle one by one okay, what else can I do?! 😭

“I’ll go ask the paint shopkeeper” or “I’ll go ask the hardware storekeeper”

Or there are times when both of us are confused on how to solve the pipe problem so I’d just go “Let’s just try it first” for every ideas that appear to solve the issue.

I also start to talk more about what’s going on, what I feel and what I thought. Like, why I decided to choose creative career instead. Or, why I don’t agree on doing things my dad’s friend is doing.

The second thing I realized I should do, is by asking question. This is not entirely planned tho, I just happen to ask more question since I need to take care of something unfamiliar like fixing water pipe or finding someone to paint room. So there are always something I’m unfamiliar with, like sizes of pipe or name of paint, etc. As I start asking, I realized that my dad do start answering. And that’s a good thing.

So basically, what did I do is several things :

The result isn’t magical, my dad still communicates a little. BUT, a little is a huge progress. He start to talk when he feel sick, and that’s very very important as he is old now. It’s very dangerous to keep silent when he is not in good condition. My dad start to analyze how to solve problem too. There are one time when both of us get stuck, he actually propose a solution. Even tho it’s not successful, but it’s a huge progress.

Personally? Partly yes. But I also note that, only when situation feel safe do skill can be trained. And I think Dr. Stuart Ablon also talk how important it’s to approach thing softly, not harshly. Not shaming, but understanding. It’s hard honestly, but it’s something need to be kept in mind.

I mean, I’m just human. I made mistake. I may snap out, got angry, feel wronged. That’s just my emotion, my human side. But then, if I kept that idea in mind that “People do well if they can”, I can pivot myself into a better way to solve a problem, or understand my loved ones.

So yeah, it can be true. People do well if they can.

Now, this research is so much more unfamiliar for me because how crazy it sounds and I just found it recently. So most of the interpretation here is based on my own reflection and understanding.

Quoting from the podcast episode,

Now, this one is very very vey complicated I think. Because when I watched the podcast, there are many many research and founding that closely linked to this concept. So what it is?

Well, the exact sentence isn’t that. But that is basically the easiest thing I can came up with to sum this finding,

And these system kinda support another behavior to exist, which is conforming to the group. And it does make sense isn’t it? Because being different can lead to cracks within group, and that feel unsafe. And we don’t want it. We will run, hide, be silent. Either way, we conform.

Now let’s go back to collective illusion. From the previous research, now I understand that human may have tendency to conform in a group. But what’s the connection with collective illusion?

Well, the case is, the group views may be wrong. So everyone actually follows the wrong views.

But if the views is wrong, why don’t anyone realize it?

Okay, I think that one needs example since I’m also very confused on how to talk about it lol. Now I truly admire how Dr Todd Rose can communicate each of this dots clearly.

We do now understand that patriarchy views are “created” to benefit man, right? A specific group of people.

I don’t actually knows about the real history about patriarchy, so this example is obviously fabricated for example sakes.

Let’s say, a specific people share a propaganda about patriarchy to benefit their group of people. If people think about it clearly, the “rules” doesn’t actually make sense right? Why would women be less than a man? Human is equal.

But, such views was repeated constantly, imposed strictly. To the point of people not daring to refute it. Because refusing is dangerous, it’s unsafe. So people follow, conform, to survive. And because of these, the voice and behavior that remains is just the one that follows the fake propaganda. Now come the next generation. They are not aware of the truth. So of course they believe the fake one, that’s the only voice and behavior that exist after all.

They unconsciously assume the previous generation believe those fake truth, so they start believing too.

And time passed, era changes. Just imagine how deep rooted those believe can be after thousand years of silence?

Even if you feel doubt, you keep seeing everyone believes these fake truth, so you start being influenced with it. Again, and again, and again. To the point you start to even believe about it. Does you heart and body understand that it’s wrong? Well, maybe! But, those are hidden deep under the fake truth you and I somehow absorb.

After understanding all of that, I truly start to question myself. If everyone is believing a fake truth, because they believe everyone believe the fake truth, then what is the real truth? Where is it? Does it even exist?

Especially since Dr Todd Rose believes that no ones is a bad actor. They just fall into collective illusion. Maybe because it’s also proven on his research (or team) that many people actually self silence. They don’t believe, but they conform. So he believes, that people are actually good. That a real truth exist inside people.

But then, how about those who are not aware of the real truth? Which mean, the real truth didn’t exist on them. Are they still a good person?

Then I again realized, which baby is born bad? Which baby is born a killer? Which child bullies if no one taught them? Influence them?

Is it true then, that everyone is inherently good? But unfortunately, we are all falling into collective illusion?

So, recently I was reading a story with lawyer as the main character. They happen to manage an inheritance case. It’s quite cliche btw, a pregnant mistress demand an inheritance right from the legal wife after the man died. The man was patriarchy, influenced by his father. The legal wife only have one daughter, and the mistress happen to be pregnant with a son. To sum it up, the situation somehow makes it impossible for the mistress to do paternity test for her son, so the lawyer have to go to the grandfather for grand parentage test. Fast forward, the mistress win the case and got the inheritance. But few months later, the son born by her actually have cerebral palsy. The grandfather immediately feels furious and denied the new grandson. He met with the lawyer and demand to stop the case, even when things already concluded. It’s because after he supported the mistress, his daughter in law (the dead man’s legal wife) and grand daughter never visited him again. He was actually very loving to them, and that’s why the legal wife and grand daughter feel hugely betrayed because they never suspect a thing.

What truly struck me on that situation is, not about how patriarchy the grandfather is, but about how could the grandfather change easily? I mean, the love he gave to his grand daughter and daughter in law is real, isn’t it? If it’s fake, he always hate girl, then he should never treat them good. It won’t be betrayal that happens, it’s actually normal for the grandpa to support the mistress instead.

But it’s not. The daughter in law and grand daughter never suspect a thing.

So, what is real, what is fake? I start to reflect deeper.

Now, this is just a speculation. It may be wrong. But I just want to share about it because it made sense.

What if. What if both believe of the grandpa did exist together?

That he does believe his grand daughter is good, and his daughter in law is good. That’s why he can treat them well and they are close to each other.

But this believe can appear, because the other believe don’t have a chance to appear. His daughter in law had a sickly body, so it’s just impossible to want another grandson. There’s just no room for a grandson to exist, so his patriarchy believe stay dormant, taken over by his real feeling about his daughter in law and grand daughter. So his love can be real, because it isn’t fake.

But then, the mistress and grand son appear. The long lost fake believe, aka the collective illusion of patriarchy start to surface. Because from the start, he did not get rid of this believe. So it’s easy to appear once it has the chance. These resurface led to the later situation, supporting the mistress, betraying his daughter in law and grand daughter.

Then the grandson was born with cerebral palsy, he probably fall into another type of collective illusion. Maybe something about healthy kid is better. At the same time, the real feeling also have similar views with this new collective illusions, it prefer the grand daughter and daughter in law, so he repented. The patriarchy illusion lost the stage.

From those reflection I realized, that all these three believes have the same level of importance to the grandpa. So depends on the situation (and benefit maybe), it will become “the ultimate truth” he will follow.

Based on those (half baked) reflection, doesn’t that mean human is truly not bad? That people can be saved (of course when they are unaware of it)?

Because, Dr Todd Rose said that the way to break collective illusion is by embracing authenticity. And personally, as someone whose been pursuing authenticity for several years, I just know how hard it is. Because I have to question and analyze EVERYTHING. Like, EVERY BELIEVES. And that goes back to safety and skill isn’t it?

I do well if I can. Back then, I don’t know how to reflect and analyze about life, so I got carried away by collective illusion. Even when I start to doubt things, I feel like I need to conform to survive, it’s the safest things to do. But now as I can be a safe place for myself in reflecting, I start to have the courage to reflect and change, so I trained my skill. From here, I began to understand what’s going on, and it allows me to make the best decision for my own situation.

So after those long exhausting reflection, what does it taught me?

So yeah, such a long and brain consuming writing haha. I don’t know what to write anymore lol. So I’ll just close this article. Thanks for reading until this far! I definitely appreciate it if you leave any feedback. But if there’s anything you want to point out or discuss, feel free send your feedback because I certainly have limited perspective and experience. You can send it to my email [email protected], or if you prefer sending it anonymously, you can send message to my Padlet here.

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See you on the next articles!

With Love,
Riena Lynn.